UNDERCOVER LULU

UNDERCOVER LULU

Friday, December 3, 2021

1:23 PM

Happy Birthday

Dearest self,

Happy 27th Birthday to you.

Congratulations that you've survived the pandemic of the world and also your battle with yourself. You were unemployed for almost a year and God gave you light to continue your life with a much better offer that you're enjoying now. You've shine alot these few months and I can see that you're finally happy and almost content with your life. Thank you for staying strong throughout the toughest time in your life. Thank you for smiling every single time even though sometimes you feel like it was not worth the effort. Thank you for being alive and stay true to yourself.

Just promise me that no matter how hard life is going to be in the future, please never hurt and self harm yourself anymore Zulaiqha. You deserve the world and you deserve to be happy. There's people out there, strangers that are always kind to you and want to see you happy even though you think that you're not important. Zulaiqha, you're doing great and keep on flying no matter what.

Allah listens to you all the time. Trust the process trust your journey. You'll get more insyaAllah after this. Once again, Happy Birthday dear self. You are loved. I love you so much.

sincerely,

Your 27 y/o self. <3

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Saturday, June 5, 2021

11:00 PM

Pangeran 2021

Hello.

This is the first post of 2021. We are still in the middle of pandemic and not much has changed since last year. I am unemployed and still looking for an employment that is suitable with my background.

Currently, I have to say I've been handling my mental health much better as compared to 2020.. No one really know my struggles last year and it was indeed a very bad year for me. I entered 2021 still not being able to cope with my sudden urge of sadness when it comes to life. Everything seems to be fallen apart and indeed earlier months of 2021 were not as beautiful as I imagine.

Lost few people in my life, dis-engaged with the people who ridiculed me even though I have no beef with them but yeah in this life you eventually will lost the people that you thought would stay in life. Meet few new people in life but at end of the day, they ended up disappoint you again.

I don't know how to feel about life lately. Today, I've been feeling abit demotivated to do the usual things that I used to do every single day. I kinda feeling numb for the past few weeks. I have the sudden urge to cry but then I can't bring my tears to come out. Maybe I'm really tired of my habit of crying without any purpose.. Or maybe this is a sign that I'm healing? I hope so..

2021 I did met someone who leads me on and because of that person, I was able to move on after 10 months. It really took quite awhile even though I've met alot of people throughout the period of time. I would call him Pangeran 2021 cause he indeed save me from that agony of mine for the past 10 months. Unfortunately, it was a short happiness that God sent to me. Pangeran didn't stay for a long time cause I think he already found his own princess to live with. My friends been telling me to come back into reality and talk to the people from the same origin instead of the people from the other side of the country.

I don't know why I found comfort talking to the people from the other side. They somehow know how to comfort your heart even though they don't have the intention to actually be with you. You know how a person can tackle you just like that even though you are quite skeptical when people show their care for you. That's what I felt. I found comfort in them. Again, I'm in my late twenties where people would want to settle down with their loved ones. Don't get me wrong I do have the feeling of wanting to settle down soon but I just haven't found the one yet. Cliche I know but yeah that's the truth about being alive.

Somehow I am thankful that I was saved from everything. I won't ask for more. I just want to be happy. :)

Man come to think of it, I can write a whole novel about my life. This will definitely be my memories once I get older later.

I'll end this random post here. I don't know when you're gonna hear from me again but I'll write soon I hope.

Sincerely,

Your 27 y/o self.

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Sunday, July 5, 2020

10:58 PM

CHAPTER 187/366

CHAPTER 187/366

I thought 2020 is going to be kind to me.

I guess not. Being 26 is definitely not fun.

Not having the control in your life is saddening. Your career sucks and your relationship life is nowhere to be found. God letme feel that one temporary happiness but then He took it away just like that. Now I don't know what to feel anymore..

I feel hopeless and pathetic. I'm scarred and scared. Trying to suppressed my sadness few days definitely not helping my mental in coping this.

Maybe I really don't deserve happiness in life.

When will it be my time?

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Monday, May 18, 2020

12:16 AM

CHAPTER 138/366

CHAPTER 138/366

Suara.

Suara yang menjerit di hatiku yang lara,
Memanggil nama yang tidak dikenali,
Hati retak seperti lilin yang apinya membara,
Tiada harapan untuk kembali.

Jeritan batinku yang sedang cemburu,
Ganas terpaku di ulu hatiku seperti jiwa yang kosong,
Untuk dia yang aku rindu sembilu,
Mulailah pertualangan bulan yang tidak langsung.

Berhenti detak jantungku bila hampa,
Rasanya seperti mati hidup kembali,
Aku merasakan jasadku seperti terdampar,
Tanpa arah dimana asalnya tiada sekali.

Resah jiwaku memanggil manggil nama yang tidak wujud,
Seperti manusia yang hilang siuman tentang dirinya,
Nafas yang sentiasa dihembus meluahkan rasa untuk bersujud,
Di mana cinta itu merebahkan dalam dakapanku sendirinya.

Yours truly,
Lulu

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Thursday, February 20, 2020

9:13 AM

CHAPTER 50/366

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Saturday, February 1, 2020

1:36 AM

CHAPTER 32/366

AGONY.

When will this agony ends? I’m tired really.

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Monday, November 18, 2019

12:54 AM

CHAPTER 322

Well hello there. We only left 38 days to enter 2020. In this post I would like to talk about the boomerang effect. I’m sure that every person in this earth experience this or is it just me. I’ve been single since who knows. Throughout my single life, I have this particular thing that I will never move on. You know how we always like those celebrities in your social media and all? I still have the same insta-crush since 2016. Little did I know that I still have a huge crush on him despite the fact that we don’t really interact with each other. *alert* I’ve already confessed to him back in 2016.

Actually, he doesn’t know me and I don’t really know him. I just followed him randomly when I saw one of my school friend which is one of his friend tagged him on instagram. I really don’t remember why my instinct told me to follow him instead of other people. I meant come on! My friend tagged all of his guy friends and yet I chose him. What are the odds? I think I followed him back in 2015 and decided to tell him that he was my insta-crush in 2016. I’ve been fangirling him for almost a year lol I know I’m weird.

Yes throughout those years I did like someone else outside of my social medias. But then it feels different when you have a crush on someone you know from social media. It will always come back to him no matter what. Even whenever people asked me about my type I would go back to him. I showed people my kind of guy that I would marry/date. Even though I don’t know him that well, I dare to tell people he’s definitely fits my ideal guy. I guess that’s what we called boomerang effect. Despite of you having a fling/crush outside of social media, your heart will definitely come back to the one that you actually yearn the most. In my case I’ve realized this a bit latter when I tried to make a move on him but then I was disappointed because I know he’s not even interested in me.

To be frank, I was so excited when I saw he replied my messages but then it ended up pretty yknow bad. It’s not like we fought or what it’s just I know when a guy wants you to leave him alone kind of reply. I was sad that night because yeah I can’t content my excitement when I talked to him. I guess a crush will forever remains a crush. Who definitely crush your heart whenever you approach them. I’m not blaming him for doing that. It’s just so frustrating when you like a guy definitely they wouldn’t reciprocate back to you. It’s hard when you’re not attractive in people’s eyes. I guess it’s okay, I’m so used to it that I don’t feel sad that long.

A rejection is a part of me that I really can be apart from it. 2020 is just around the corner and I can’t afford to have anymore heartbreaks. My heart is definitely can’t be mend anymore. I’m such a joke.

Sincerely,

Lulu

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Tuesday, October 15, 2019

1:36 AM

CHAPTER 288

Saw news on regards of a Korean celebrity that had taken away her own life because of severe depression. I’m kind of affected by it due to her being the same age as me. I may not know her struggle but I know it was hard. Saw her words saying this “My life is actually empty, so I feel like I’m lying to everyone by pretending to be happy on the outside.“

That hit me hard. Maybe suicide is one of the way to let everything go. Really she’s right. When your life feels empty despite all of the presence of people it means that you’re empty. That’s me now.

Goodnight,
Lulu

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Sunday, July 7, 2019

1:56 AM

CHAPTER 186

I’m still too lazy to write.

Sincerely,

LULU

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Sunday, June 2, 2019

1:39 AM

CHAPTER 153

Sincerely,
Lulu

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Tuesday, May 21, 2019

1:39 AM

CHAPTER 141

Day 141 of 360,

I’m at that point of life where I tend to be disappointed on everything where I don’t get to achieve much and it didn’t reach my expectations. It’s been a tough month for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I’m thankful to have such an understanding superior and colleagues it’s just that recently I didn’t perform my task well and I feel like my performance has been somewhat declined. I feel disappointed at myself for not able to write a good report. I know I shouldn’t be hard on myself it’s just that I’m not satisfy with it because I know I can do better than what I’ve actually did. It’s really been a tough week for me to actually persuade myself it’s okay to make mistakes.

Life is like a wheel. We need to constantly learn and acquire knowledge no matter where you are. I guess I should try to make peace with myself no matter how messed up I am. And to always remember God is always with you no matter what.

Sincerely,
Lulu

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Monday, March 25, 2019

1:39 AM

CHAPTER 83

83 out of 365 days

Hey there.

The reason why I’m writing a new entry tonight is because I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know what’s the problem but I’m not sleepy. I’m tired but then I can’t sleep. Apparently maybe I was angry and now my anger level is slowly decreasing maybe that’s why I can’t sleep. Meh

My life rn? I’ve been really busy with work like no kidding. I really don’t have the time socializing with new people now. I really don’t. I’ve been hanging out with the same people throughout this year. You know it’s tiring meeting new people unless you have that instant connection with that person? I’m at that age where I don’t really enjoy socializing with people. It’s draining no kidding. I’m into my job rn and for me to get new friends chances are really low because I suck at it now.

But on the positive note, I am more confident with myself now! I no longer succumb into self hate any longer. I feel so much better now. Knowing the fact I was heartbroken last month but then I get up really fast now as compared to before. I’m recovering slowly indeed. I am really thankful with my current life right now. It’s true what people say. Go to Allah SWT all the time no matter when you’re happy or sad. Recite al-Quran whenever you have the time to do so. Then insyaAllah you’ll feel better.

It may sounds cliche but it really did heal me slowly. Hoping for a better tomorrow and future after this. Ameen ♥️

Sincerely,
Lulu

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Friday, February 1, 2019

9:29 PM

KILAN

KILAN

Niatku hanya ingin menjadi yang terbaik,

Terdetik dihatiku untuk bersedih,

Dibawah rembulan purnama tinggi menaik,

Darah meliputi hatiku yang terkilan pedih.

Hatiku gelisah dibawa hujan basah,

Hanyut dibawa laut yang resah,

Timbul seperti matahari yang malu terhadap awan,

Hanya mampu memakan hati yang sudah lama bertahan.

Sincerely,

Lulu

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Wednesday, January 30, 2019

11:17 AM

LELAKI YANG TERUSIK

LELAKI YANG TERUSIK

Wrote this piece with the inspiration for AADC 1's puisi that was written by Rangga for Cinta. He wrote "Perempuan Datang Atas Nama Cinta" and it was beautiful. I wrote this unconsciously and voila. I know there are alot of errors but I've tried my best to deliver it with feelings.

Lelaki yang Terusik

Lelaki satu makhluk yang mengetuai

Jejak kasih yang selalu menghantui

Walau ketamakkan ingin mendapati

Cinta yang mungkin tidak dapat diharungi

Lelaki yang terusik dikala wanita keliling

Dengan lingkaran tingkah laku yang membuatku hening

Cemburu diriku yang tidak terurus

Membuatku menggilai diri yang sedih terus

Cantik paras dan hati mati

Tidakku sangka kosongnya kotak hati

Melihat si pujangga membelai indah wanita lain

Di depanku terus bumi terbelah dua seperti kain

Sincerely,

Lulu

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Friday, December 28, 2018

8:04 AM

Places

Going to places that I want to be,
Or to be with someone that I want to see,
Never a dull moment if it were meant to be,
Someone that you yearn over the sea.

Shadows hunting in those dreams,
That you will never want to face,
Rolling on those nightmares of realms,
You reckons and have to race.

Adventures that only you could see,
Rather than holding on the thinnest strings,
That seems to be the reason of you want to be free,
Discovery of new faces with your wings.

I've that sudden urge to travel to places and new faces. Staying in one place for way too long doesn't make me feel good about myself especially when it comes to my self esteem and self development. It's been awhile since I feel hopeless about being me. Don't get me wrong, I love myself more now as compared when I was still a student. My level of self love was a tad bit higher now. It's just now I feel incomplete especially when it comes to my social needs. It gets lonely though at the end of the day. It's not like I don't have a career. I do have a job it's just I've been alone for quite sometime. Most of my friends are taking it to the next level. They have find and engaged with their soulmates. I just realized that now my friends are not as free as I am. Slowly I feel like they are drifting away but I don't mind because they are going through another phase of life. I'm still stuck to this phase of life alone.

xx

Lulu

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Tuesday, August 28, 2018

2:20 AM

友達

This post is especially to those that I've decided to stay away and just going to mind my own business. Throughout the year, I just realized that I've given in so much towards everybody in my life and what kind of treatment did I get? Of course I am the punching bag, the one who always being teased about her heartbreak and also the one who always end up being nothing whenever she is with her set of friends. Friends? I don't know throughout my life I've encountered alot of things that in the end I found that some of them were pretty toxic in my life. I may sound ungrateful whiny bitch but then I have my breaking point and limits too.

Why friends are important me? Because they are the place that I turn to whenever I have no one by my side. I'm the type of person who always confide her feelings because I don't really share my thoughts and feelings with my family. They tend to actually think that I'm always okay no matter what. I am the punching bag of the family. My family is a good family it's just no one take my problems seriously that is why I never share my problems with them. My solution? Of course the answer is friends. Nowadays I feel like the only reason that I'm their friends is because I'm the only place that they can turn to whenever they feel sad about their relationships. Whenever they get their heartbroken by the boyfriends they will definitely asked for my advises and opinions but then the result is that they're gonna leave you return to their boyfriend once they are okay with them.

Now I've realized that people tend to choose asshole to be with them even though they are being hurt continuously. I feel so disgusted by watching the aftermath of it. Yeah I know I am no one to judge but yeah as a friend that feeling of wanting to protect your friend is really high but yeah no use of protecting someone who doesn't want to be protect. Anyho, I will probably remove some of the people I don't want to be in my social medias and gonna privatize my twitter soon cause yeah I'm tired of being nice. Now I just want to selfish and selfless since everyone is doing the same thing. It's true tho people come and go. I don't need to face this kind of shit and will be removing the toxicity bit by bit. Thanks for the memories and all cacian that I get from protecting my friends and in the end it ends up in vain. Thank you

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Saturday, August 11, 2018

12:59 AM

VITAMIN C

The title of this post is not even related to the topic that I’m gonna issue out here. I would like to enlighten to the people who kept on asking me to find a guy and boyfriend in my life. Currently I’m in my sensitive state. I am sensitive as my skin condition right now. If there's a supplement like vitamin c that can overcome this stupidity of people telling me you’re so pathetic I would be gladly take it. Seriously though stop asking me to that. You guys don’t have to remind me that I’m basically a loner and no one wants me. I get it. If you guys are genuinely sincere about then get me a guy or introduce me to someone. Is it hard? Hard right? You guys think that I’m that pretty or smart when I just snap my finger all the guys go head over heel towards me. That’s just crap. I know that guys generally don’t like me.

I am the definition of second choice or not even a choice. I get this alot so I’m trying to clarify things to you people. Just stop with that stupid statement and wish of yours. If you want me to end up with a guy then you go look one for me. It’s so sad that this also comes from my own brother. Istg that I am so sad that my brother telling me off finding a boyfriend just because I wanted fried chicken from him. Really pissed off to the point that I just want to just go far away from everyone. It’s so stressful when people keep asking me the same stupid question and told me off to get a boyfriend whenever I want something. This is just wrong.

With that I end my rant for tonight.

Thanks for your concern everyone but this doesn’t even concerned you. I guess Imma die alone without any partner and children. Adios

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Friday, August 3, 2018

12:16 AM

未来

Hello.

This post mainly going to focus on the topic that I'm going to talk about which is about future. Right now being an unemployed person makes me think alot about life and I feel kind of lost? I meant like my friends mostly employed and engaged to someone. They are like in the next phase of life while me still here sitting and doing nothing. I have no source of income, my life is a mess and I've became an anti social human now. I don't feel like socializing with people here and I am yearning to go back to KL. I know that most of my opportunities are there in KL not in Kuching.

Don't get me wrong. I love Kuching but the thought of working here doesn't enthusiast me at all because I know I will probably meet the same person here. I've been in Kuching for all my life and the thought of having to work with someone that you know really doesn't excites me at all. I guess all my thoughts and soul are all in KL. Throughout my studies, I've learnt all sort of things. Well everywhere you go of course you're going to meet toxic people along the way. I love being unfamiliar in a state where know one knows me. I can be myself even more as compared in Kuching. I am not comfortable staying here. I love my family but then the thought of living here for my whole life is a whole new thing. I still want to explore alot of things and the thought of being tied down here is really frustrating.

I really don't know what kind of future awaits for me now. Really... I feel so messed up and I really don't know how to save myself from this despair. For now I just want to get a job because being unemployed leads to me thinking about life even more. Especially when it comes to the existence of myself. You know when you're thinking about your own existence as a whole is definitely not healthy. I just don't want to go through that phase anymore. Contemplating about life and why you should be alive is a thought that you don't want to have lingering in your life.

I know I've mentioned about everyone has their own pace in life. You don't have to rush.. Apparently I really cannot have that thing insert in my mind right now because I really feel useless. Useless to the point that I still can't do anything for my parents and still can't buy anything for them because I don't have the money to do so. I really am sad about this. For once I want to treat my parents to a fancy dinner and celebrate their birthday with presents that they want in life. I just want a job. So I can give them money for them to spend every month. I just want to be a functional family members. Being the only one who doesn't have a job makes me ashamed of myself.

I really hope that my future can change as soon as possible. This is like the worst slump ever. O Allah the Almighty One. I pray that you can lead me to a better life with a purpose to it. I really want to make my parents happy no matter what. Ameen...

xx

Lulu

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Wednesday, July 11, 2018

12:54 AM

Marriage

Guess it’s time to be frank about the idea of getting married. So last month it was the wedding of the year for our family. My brother is married to his long time girlfriend. They’ve been in a relationship since 6 years ago? I think ol I couldn’t even remember. So I’m turning 24 this year. Completed my studies and now currently looking for a job.

Constantly seeing people getting engaged and married on my timeline. Like way too many times. Some of my friends now are talking about their soulmate and the pressure of getting married. Some of them fantasizes the idea of marriage because they were pressured by the social timeline. And people been asking me. When do I want to get married and settle down? Well I told them 10 more years. And human being human they are very skeptical to me for saying that I’ll be the last one to get married among my friends. No I don’t want to make this into a taboo or something it’s just me. I have my life principals. I don’t fantasize marriage. I take marriage as a burden especially when it comes to tbe wedding. It’s not about how big the wedding is cause I myself want to have a big wedding since it’s a once in a life time event. It’s just the pressure of preparing for the wedding and all the disastisfied Mak cik Bawangs that to get invited to the wedding. I just can’t handle it.

Next, talking about soulmate/future husband, I think it is too early for me to thinn about that since I really don’t have one in mind. By seeing my socializing circle right now is pretty small unline when i was back in Shah Alam. I don’t really see myself to end up with someone from Cat City. Don’t get me wrong, I love the city but I don’t really fancy the people. I guess it’s just not my crowd now? I feel the serenity when I was in KL. I guess being in a hectic life really suits me somehow unlike this peaceful yet full of toxicity as well.

People keep on saying that I’m takabur by saying that I will not get married in the nearest year cause I’ve already set my goals that I have to achieve before I turn 34. By 34, I have to make sure I am somebody useful to my homecountry and also all around the world. I want to do something that makes me well-known with the achievements of my life. I want to be rich of my own and giving the luxury in both dunya and akhirat towards my parents. For the 10 years is the time for me to heal, improve and enjoy myself because I know that I won’t feel the same freedom like how I am now. Apart from that, in those 10 years I want to spend time my youth and also adult life with my parents because God knows when they are going to leave us. By getting married early really doesn’t fancy me in any way because I think that I don’t want to be with someone so soon after all the investments that my parent did for me to be someone useful for them and also for my own self. I really hope that in the future I’ll find someone who understands my life principes and also is willing to wait for me during all those years. If theres someone willing to wait for me that long then I’ll declare you as my soulmate.

Dear future soulmate/husband,
Please wait for me to have a stable income so I can help both my parents and you as well for our wedding. I wouldn’t want to spend only your money for the wedding since we are planning to build a
Baitul jannah together so it means that we work as a team before and after. So please do wait for me in 10 more years okay?

Sincerely,
Your high achiever future wife.

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Saturday, April 7, 2018

8:41 PM

KIDDIE’S TRIP

Her very first school trip. Being an extra aunt, I ended up making a video especially for her today. Hope that she’ll watch this when she grow up. Love you Tihani ♥️

Sincerely,
Your cutest Aunt ♥️

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