UNDERCOVER LULU

Wrote this piece with the inspiration for AADC 1's puisi that was written by Rangga for Cinta. He wrote "Perempuan Datang Atas Nama Cinta" and it was beautiful. I wrote this unconsciously and voila. I know there are alot of errors but I've tried my best to deliver it with feelings.

Going to places that I want to be,
Or to be with someone that I want to see,
Never a dull moment if it were meant to be,
Someone that you yearn over the sea.

Shadows hunting in those dreams,
That you will never want to face,
Rolling on those nightmares of realms,
You reckons and have to race.

Adventures that only you could see,
Rather than holding on the thinnest strings,
That seems to be the reason of you want to be free,
Discovery of new faces with your wings.


I've that sudden urge to travel to places and new faces. Staying in one place for way too long doesn't make me feel good about myself especially when it comes to my self esteem and self development. It's been awhile since I feel hopeless about being me. Don't get me wrong, I love myself more now as compared when I was still a student. My level of self love was a tad bit higher now. It's just now I feel incomplete especially when it comes to my social needs. It gets lonely though at the end of the day. It's not like I don't have a career. I do have a job it's just I've been alone for quite sometime. Most of my friends are taking it to the next level. They have find and engaged with their soulmates. I just realized that now my friends are not as free as I am. Slowly I feel like they are drifting away but I don't mind because they are going through another phase of life. I'm still stuck to this phase of life alone.


xx

Lulu

This post is especially to those that I've decided to stay away and just going to mind my own business. Throughout the year, I just realized that I've given in so much towards everybody in my life and what kind of treatment did I get? Of course I am the punching bag, the one who always being teased about her heartbreak and also the one who always end up being nothing whenever she is with her set of friends. Friends? I don't know throughout my life I've encountered alot of things that in the end I found that some of them were pretty toxic in my life. I may sound ungrateful whiny bitch but then I have my breaking point and limits too. 

The title of this post is not even related to the topic that I’m gonna issue out here. I would like to enlighten to the people who kept on asking me to find a guy and boyfriend in my life. Currently I’m in my sensitive state. I am sensitive as my skin condition right now. If there's a supplement like vitamin c that can overcome this stupidity of people telling me you’re so pathetic I would be gladly take it. Seriously though stop asking me to that. You guys don’t have to remind me that I’m basically a loner and no one wants me. I get it. If you guys are genuinely sincere about then get me a guy or introduce me to someone. Is it hard? Hard right? You guys think that I’m that pretty or smart when I just snap my finger all the guys go head over heel towards me. That’s just crap. I know that guys generally don’t like me.

I am the definition of second choice or not even a choice. I get this alot so I’m trying to clarify things to you people. Just stop with that stupid statement and wish of yours. If you want me to end up with a guy then you go look one for me. It’s so sad that this also comes from my own brother. Istg that I am so sad that my brother telling me off finding a boyfriend just because I wanted fried chicken from him. Really pissed off to the point that I just want to just go far away from everyone. It’s so stressful when people keep asking me the same stupid question and told me off to get a boyfriend whenever I want something. This is just wrong.


With that I end my rant for tonight.

Thanks for your concern everyone but this doesn’t even concerned you. I guess Imma die alone without any partner and children. Adios

Hello.

This post mainly going to focus on the topic that I'm going to talk about which is about future. Right now being an unemployed person makes me think alot about life and I feel kind of lost? I meant like my friends mostly employed and engaged to someone. They are like in the next phase of life while me still here sitting and doing nothing. I have no source of income, my life is a mess and I've became an anti social human now. I don't feel like socializing with people here and I am yearning to go back to KL. I know that most of my opportunities are there in KL not in Kuching.

Don't get me wrong. I love Kuching but the thought of working here doesn't enthusiast me at all because I know I will probably meet the same person here. I've been in Kuching for all my life and the thought of having to work with someone that you know really doesn't excites me at all. I guess all my thoughts and soul are all in KL. Throughout my studies, I've learnt all sort of things. Well everywhere you go of course you're going to meet toxic people along the way. I love being unfamiliar in a state where know one knows me. I can be myself even more as compared in Kuching. I am not comfortable staying here. I love my family but then the thought of living here for my whole life is a whole new thing. I still want to explore alot of things and the thought of being tied down here is really frustrating.

I really don't know what kind of future awaits for me now. Really... I feel so messed up and I really don't know how to save myself from this despair. For now I just want to get a job because being unemployed leads to me thinking about life even more. Especially when it comes to the existence of myself. You know when you're thinking about your own existence as a whole is definitely not healthy. I just don't want to go through that phase anymore. Contemplating about life and why you should be alive is a thought that you don't want to have lingering in your life.

I know I've mentioned about everyone has their own pace in life. You don't have to rush.. Apparently I really cannot have that thing insert in my mind right now because I really feel useless. Useless to the point that I still can't do anything for my parents and still can't buy anything for them because I don't have the money to do so. I really am sad about this. For once I want to treat my parents to a fancy dinner and celebrate their birthday with presents that they want in life. I just want a job. So I can give them money for them to spend every month. I just want to be a functional family members. Being the only one who doesn't have a job makes me ashamed of myself.

I really hope that my future can change as soon as possible. This is like the worst slump ever. O Allah the Almighty One. I pray that you can lead me to a better life with a purpose to it. I really want to make my parents happy no matter what. Ameen...

xx

Lulu

Guess it’s time to be frank about the idea of getting married. So last month it was the wedding of the year for our family. My brother is married to his long time girlfriend. They’ve been in a relationship since 6 years ago? I think ol I couldn’t even remember. So I’m turning 24 this year. Completed my studies and now currently looking for a job.

Constantly seeing people getting engaged and married on my timeline. Like way too many times. Some of my friends now are talking about their soulmate and the pressure of getting married. Some of them fantasizes the idea of marriage because they were pressured by the social timeline. And people been asking me. When do I want to get married and settle down? Well I told them 10 more years. And human being human they are very skeptical to me for saying that I’ll be the last one to get married among my friends. No I don’t want to make this into a taboo or something it’s just me. I have my life principals. I don’t fantasize marriage. I take marriage as a burden especially when it comes to tbe wedding. It’s not about how big the wedding is cause I myself want to have a big wedding since it’s a once in a life time event. It’s just the pressure of preparing for the wedding and all the disastisfied Mak cik Bawangs that to get invited to the wedding. I just can’t handle it.

Next, talking about soulmate/future husband, I think it is too early for me to thinn about that since I really don’t have one in mind. By seeing my socializing circle right now is pretty small unline when i was back in Shah Alam. I don’t really see myself to end up with someone from Cat City. Don’t get me wrong, I love the city but I don’t really fancy the people. I guess it’s just not my crowd now? I feel the serenity when I was in KL. I guess being in a hectic life really suits me somehow unlike this peaceful yet full of toxicity as well.

People keep on saying that I’m takabur by saying that I will not get married in the nearest year cause I’ve already set my goals that I have to achieve before I turn 34. By 34, I have to make sure I am somebody useful to my homecountry and also all around the world. I want to do something that makes me well-known with the achievements of my life. I want to be rich of my own and giving the luxury in both dunya and akhirat towards my parents. For the 10 years is the time for me to heal, improve and enjoy myself because I know that I won’t feel the same freedom like how I am now. Apart from that, in those 10 years I want to spend time my youth and also adult life with my parents because God knows when they are going to leave us. By getting married early really doesn’t fancy me in any way because I think that I don’t want to be with someone so soon after all the investments that my parent did for me to be someone useful for them and also for my own self. I really hope that in the future I’ll find someone who understands my life principes and also is willing to wait for me during all those years. If theres someone willing to wait for me that long then I’ll declare you as my soulmate.


Dear future soulmate/husband,
Please wait for me to have a stable income so I can help both my parents and you as well for our wedding. I wouldn’t want to spend only your money for the wedding since we are planning to build a
Baitul jannah together so it means that we work as a team before and after. So please do wait for me in 10 more years okay?


Sincerely,
Your high achiever future wife.

Her very first school trip. Being an extra aunt, I ended up making a video especially for her today. Hope that she’ll watch this when she grow up. Love you Tihani ♥️


Sincerely,
Your cutest Aunt ♥️