UNDERCOVER LULU

83 out of 365 days



Hey there.

The reason why I’m writing a new entry tonight is because I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know what’s the problem but I’m not sleepy. I’m tired but then I can’t sleep. Apparently maybe I was angry and now my anger level is slowly decreasing maybe that’s why I can’t sleep. Meh


My life rn? I’ve been really busy with work like no kidding. I really don’t have the time socializing with new people now. I really don’t. I’ve been hanging out with the same people throughout this year. You know it’s tiring meeting new people unless you have that instant connection with that person? I’m at that age where I don’t really enjoy socializing with people. It’s draining no kidding. I’m into my job rn and for me to get new friends chances are really low because I suck at it now.

But on the positive note, I am more confident with myself now! I no longer succumb into self hate any longer. I feel so much better now. Knowing the fact I was  heartbroken last month but then I get up really fast now as compared to before. I’m recovering slowly indeed. I am really thankful with my current life right now. It’s true what people say. Go to Allah SWT all the time no matter when you’re happy or sad. Recite al-Quran whenever you have the time to do so. Then insyaAllah you’ll feel better.

It may sounds cliche but it really did heal me slowly. Hoping for a better tomorrow and future after this. Ameen ♥️

Sincerely,
Lulu

Wrote this piece with the inspiration for AADC 1's puisi that was written by Rangga for Cinta. He wrote "Perempuan Datang Atas Nama Cinta" and it was beautiful. I wrote this unconsciously and voila. I know there are alot of errors but I've tried my best to deliver it with feelings.

Going to places that I want to be,
Or to be with someone that I want to see,
Never a dull moment if it were meant to be,
Someone that you yearn over the sea.

Shadows hunting in those dreams,
That you will never want to face,
Rolling on those nightmares of realms,
You reckons and have to race.

Adventures that only you could see,
Rather than holding on the thinnest strings,
That seems to be the reason of you want to be free,
Discovery of new faces with your wings.


I've that sudden urge to travel to places and new faces. Staying in one place for way too long doesn't make me feel good about myself especially when it comes to my self esteem and self development. It's been awhile since I feel hopeless about being me. Don't get me wrong, I love myself more now as compared when I was still a student. My level of self love was a tad bit higher now. It's just now I feel incomplete especially when it comes to my social needs. It gets lonely though at the end of the day. It's not like I don't have a career. I do have a job it's just I've been alone for quite sometime. Most of my friends are taking it to the next level. They have find and engaged with their soulmates. I just realized that now my friends are not as free as I am. Slowly I feel like they are drifting away but I don't mind because they are going through another phase of life. I'm still stuck to this phase of life alone.


xx

Lulu

This post is especially to those that I've decided to stay away and just going to mind my own business. Throughout the year, I just realized that I've given in so much towards everybody in my life and what kind of treatment did I get? Of course I am the punching bag, the one who always being teased about her heartbreak and also the one who always end up being nothing whenever she is with her set of friends. Friends? I don't know throughout my life I've encountered alot of things that in the end I found that some of them were pretty toxic in my life. I may sound ungrateful whiny bitch but then I have my breaking point and limits too. 

The title of this post is not even related to the topic that I’m gonna issue out here. I would like to enlighten to the people who kept on asking me to find a guy and boyfriend in my life. Currently I’m in my sensitive state. I am sensitive as my skin condition right now. If there's a supplement like vitamin c that can overcome this stupidity of people telling me you’re so pathetic I would be gladly take it. Seriously though stop asking me to that. You guys don’t have to remind me that I’m basically a loner and no one wants me. I get it. If you guys are genuinely sincere about then get me a guy or introduce me to someone. Is it hard? Hard right? You guys think that I’m that pretty or smart when I just snap my finger all the guys go head over heel towards me. That’s just crap. I know that guys generally don’t like me.

I am the definition of second choice or not even a choice. I get this alot so I’m trying to clarify things to you people. Just stop with that stupid statement and wish of yours. If you want me to end up with a guy then you go look one for me. It’s so sad that this also comes from my own brother. Istg that I am so sad that my brother telling me off finding a boyfriend just because I wanted fried chicken from him. Really pissed off to the point that I just want to just go far away from everyone. It’s so stressful when people keep asking me the same stupid question and told me off to get a boyfriend whenever I want something. This is just wrong.


With that I end my rant for tonight.

Thanks for your concern everyone but this doesn’t even concerned you. I guess Imma die alone without any partner and children. Adios

Hello.

This post mainly going to focus on the topic that I'm going to talk about which is about future. Right now being an unemployed person makes me think alot about life and I feel kind of lost? I meant like my friends mostly employed and engaged to someone. They are like in the next phase of life while me still here sitting and doing nothing. I have no source of income, my life is a mess and I've became an anti social human now. I don't feel like socializing with people here and I am yearning to go back to KL. I know that most of my opportunities are there in KL not in Kuching.

Don't get me wrong. I love Kuching but the thought of working here doesn't enthusiast me at all because I know I will probably meet the same person here. I've been in Kuching for all my life and the thought of having to work with someone that you know really doesn't excites me at all. I guess all my thoughts and soul are all in KL. Throughout my studies, I've learnt all sort of things. Well everywhere you go of course you're going to meet toxic people along the way. I love being unfamiliar in a state where know one knows me. I can be myself even more as compared in Kuching. I am not comfortable staying here. I love my family but then the thought of living here for my whole life is a whole new thing. I still want to explore alot of things and the thought of being tied down here is really frustrating.

I really don't know what kind of future awaits for me now. Really... I feel so messed up and I really don't know how to save myself from this despair. For now I just want to get a job because being unemployed leads to me thinking about life even more. Especially when it comes to the existence of myself. You know when you're thinking about your own existence as a whole is definitely not healthy. I just don't want to go through that phase anymore. Contemplating about life and why you should be alive is a thought that you don't want to have lingering in your life.

I know I've mentioned about everyone has their own pace in life. You don't have to rush.. Apparently I really cannot have that thing insert in my mind right now because I really feel useless. Useless to the point that I still can't do anything for my parents and still can't buy anything for them because I don't have the money to do so. I really am sad about this. For once I want to treat my parents to a fancy dinner and celebrate their birthday with presents that they want in life. I just want a job. So I can give them money for them to spend every month. I just want to be a functional family members. Being the only one who doesn't have a job makes me ashamed of myself.

I really hope that my future can change as soon as possible. This is like the worst slump ever. O Allah the Almighty One. I pray that you can lead me to a better life with a purpose to it. I really want to make my parents happy no matter what. Ameen...

xx

Lulu