UNDERCOVER LULU

Sincerely,
Lulu

Day 141 of 360,



I’m at that point of life where I tend to be disappointed on everything where I don’t get to achieve much and it didn’t reach my expectations. It’s been a tough month for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I’m thankful to have such an understanding superior and colleagues it’s just that recently I didn’t perform my task well and I feel like my performance has been somewhat declined. I feel disappointed at myself for not able to write a good report. I know I shouldn’t be hard on myself it’s just that I’m not satisfy with it because I know I can do better than what I’ve actually did. It’s really been a tough week for me to actually persuade myself it’s okay to make mistakes.

Life is like a wheel. We need to constantly learn and acquire knowledge no matter where you are. I guess I should try to make peace with myself no matter how messed up I am. And to always remember God is always with you no matter what.


Sincerely,
Lulu

83 out of 365 days



Hey there.

The reason why I’m writing a new entry tonight is because I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know what’s the problem but I’m not sleepy. I’m tired but then I can’t sleep. Apparently maybe I was angry and now my anger level is slowly decreasing maybe that’s why I can’t sleep. Meh


My life rn? I’ve been really busy with work like no kidding. I really don’t have the time socializing with new people now. I really don’t. I’ve been hanging out with the same people throughout this year. You know it’s tiring meeting new people unless you have that instant connection with that person? I’m at that age where I don’t really enjoy socializing with people. It’s draining no kidding. I’m into my job rn and for me to get new friends chances are really low because I suck at it now.

But on the positive note, I am more confident with myself now! I no longer succumb into self hate any longer. I feel so much better now. Knowing the fact I was  heartbroken last month but then I get up really fast now as compared to before. I’m recovering slowly indeed. I am really thankful with my current life right now. It’s true what people say. Go to Allah SWT all the time no matter when you’re happy or sad. Recite al-Quran whenever you have the time to do so. Then insyaAllah you’ll feel better.

It may sounds cliche but it really did heal me slowly. Hoping for a better tomorrow and future after this. Ameen ♥️

Sincerely,
Lulu

Wrote this piece with the inspiration for AADC 1's puisi that was written by Rangga for Cinta. He wrote "Perempuan Datang Atas Nama Cinta" and it was beautiful. I wrote this unconsciously and voila. I know there are alot of errors but I've tried my best to deliver it with feelings.

Going to places that I want to be,
Or to be with someone that I want to see,
Never a dull moment if it were meant to be,
Someone that you yearn over the sea.

Shadows hunting in those dreams,
That you will never want to face,
Rolling on those nightmares of realms,
You reckons and have to race.

Adventures that only you could see,
Rather than holding on the thinnest strings,
That seems to be the reason of you want to be free,
Discovery of new faces with your wings.


I've that sudden urge to travel to places and new faces. Staying in one place for way too long doesn't make me feel good about myself especially when it comes to my self esteem and self development. It's been awhile since I feel hopeless about being me. Don't get me wrong, I love myself more now as compared when I was still a student. My level of self love was a tad bit higher now. It's just now I feel incomplete especially when it comes to my social needs. It gets lonely though at the end of the day. It's not like I don't have a career. I do have a job it's just I've been alone for quite sometime. Most of my friends are taking it to the next level. They have find and engaged with their soulmates. I just realized that now my friends are not as free as I am. Slowly I feel like they are drifting away but I don't mind because they are going through another phase of life. I'm still stuck to this phase of life alone.


xx

Lulu

This post is especially to those that I've decided to stay away and just going to mind my own business. Throughout the year, I just realized that I've given in so much towards everybody in my life and what kind of treatment did I get? Of course I am the punching bag, the one who always being teased about her heartbreak and also the one who always end up being nothing whenever she is with her set of friends. Friends? I don't know throughout my life I've encountered alot of things that in the end I found that some of them were pretty toxic in my life. I may sound ungrateful whiny bitch but then I have my breaking point and limits too.