UNDERCOVER LULU

This post is especially to those that I've decided to stay away and just going to mind my own business. Throughout the year, I just realized that I've given in so much towards everybody in my life and what kind of treatment did I get? Of course I am the punching bag, the one who always being teased about her heartbreak and also the one who always end up being nothing whenever she is with her set of friends. Friends? I don't know throughout my life I've encountered alot of things that in the end I found that some of them were pretty toxic in my life. I may sound ungrateful whiny bitch but then I have my breaking point and limits too. 

The title of this post is not even related to the topic that I’m gonna issue out here. I would like to enlighten to the people who kept on asking me to find a guy and boyfriend in my life. Currently I’m in my sensitive state. I am sensitive as my skin condition right now. If there's a supplement like vitamin c that can overcome this stupidity of people telling me you’re so pathetic I would be gladly take it. Seriously though stop asking me to that. You guys don’t have to remind me that I’m basically a loner and no one wants me. I get it. If you guys are genuinely sincere about then get me a guy or introduce me to someone. Is it hard? Hard right? You guys think that I’m that pretty or smart when I just snap my finger all the guys go head over heel towards me. That’s just crap. I know that guys generally don’t like me.

I am the definition of second choice or not even a choice. I get this alot so I’m trying to clarify things to you people. Just stop with that stupid statement and wish of yours. If you want me to end up with a guy then you go look one for me. It’s so sad that this also comes from my own brother. Istg that I am so sad that my brother telling me off finding a boyfriend just because I wanted fried chicken from him. Really pissed off to the point that I just want to just go far away from everyone. It’s so stressful when people keep asking me the same stupid question and told me off to get a boyfriend whenever I want something. This is just wrong.


With that I end my rant for tonight.

Thanks for your concern everyone but this doesn’t even concerned you. I guess Imma die alone without any partner and children. Adios

Hello.

This post mainly going to focus on the topic that I'm going to talk about which is about future. Right now being an unemployed person makes me think alot about life and I feel kind of lost? I meant like my friends mostly employed and engaged to someone. They are like in the next phase of life while me still here sitting and doing nothing. I have no source of income, my life is a mess and I've became an anti social human now. I don't feel like socializing with people here and I am yearning to go back to KL. I know that most of my opportunities are there in KL not in Kuching.

Don't get me wrong. I love Kuching but the thought of working here doesn't enthusiast me at all because I know I will probably meet the same person here. I've been in Kuching for all my life and the thought of having to work with someone that you know really doesn't excites me at all. I guess all my thoughts and soul are all in KL. Throughout my studies, I've learnt all sort of things. Well everywhere you go of course you're going to meet toxic people along the way. I love being unfamiliar in a state where know one knows me. I can be myself even more as compared in Kuching. I am not comfortable staying here. I love my family but then the thought of living here for my whole life is a whole new thing. I still want to explore alot of things and the thought of being tied down here is really frustrating.

I really don't know what kind of future awaits for me now. Really... I feel so messed up and I really don't know how to save myself from this despair. For now I just want to get a job because being unemployed leads to me thinking about life even more. Especially when it comes to the existence of myself. You know when you're thinking about your own existence as a whole is definitely not healthy. I just don't want to go through that phase anymore. Contemplating about life and why you should be alive is a thought that you don't want to have lingering in your life.

I know I've mentioned about everyone has their own pace in life. You don't have to rush.. Apparently I really cannot have that thing insert in my mind right now because I really feel useless. Useless to the point that I still can't do anything for my parents and still can't buy anything for them because I don't have the money to do so. I really am sad about this. For once I want to treat my parents to a fancy dinner and celebrate their birthday with presents that they want in life. I just want a job. So I can give them money for them to spend every month. I just want to be a functional family members. Being the only one who doesn't have a job makes me ashamed of myself.

I really hope that my future can change as soon as possible. This is like the worst slump ever. O Allah the Almighty One. I pray that you can lead me to a better life with a purpose to it. I really want to make my parents happy no matter what. Ameen...

xx

Lulu

Guess it’s time to be frank about the idea of getting married. So last month it was the wedding of the year for our family. My brother is married to his long time girlfriend. They’ve been in a relationship since 6 years ago? I think ol I couldn’t even remember. So I’m turning 24 this year. Completed my studies and now currently looking for a job.

Constantly seeing people getting engaged and married on my timeline. Like way too many times. Some of my friends now are talking about their soulmate and the pressure of getting married. Some of them fantasizes the idea of marriage because they were pressured by the social timeline. And people been asking me. When do I want to get married and settle down? Well I told them 10 more years. And human being human they are very skeptical to me for saying that I’ll be the last one to get married among my friends. No I don’t want to make this into a taboo or something it’s just me. I have my life principals. I don’t fantasize marriage. I take marriage as a burden especially when it comes to tbe wedding. It’s not about how big the wedding is cause I myself want to have a big wedding since it’s a once in a life time event. It’s just the pressure of preparing for the wedding and all the disastisfied Mak cik Bawangs that to get invited to the wedding. I just can’t handle it.

Next, talking about soulmate/future husband, I think it is too early for me to thinn about that since I really don’t have one in mind. By seeing my socializing circle right now is pretty small unline when i was back in Shah Alam. I don’t really see myself to end up with someone from Cat City. Don’t get me wrong, I love the city but I don’t really fancy the people. I guess it’s just not my crowd now? I feel the serenity when I was in KL. I guess being in a hectic life really suits me somehow unlike this peaceful yet full of toxicity as well.

People keep on saying that I’m takabur by saying that I will not get married in the nearest year cause I’ve already set my goals that I have to achieve before I turn 34. By 34, I have to make sure I am somebody useful to my homecountry and also all around the world. I want to do something that makes me well-known with the achievements of my life. I want to be rich of my own and giving the luxury in both dunya and akhirat towards my parents. For the 10 years is the time for me to heal, improve and enjoy myself because I know that I won’t feel the same freedom like how I am now. Apart from that, in those 10 years I want to spend time my youth and also adult life with my parents because God knows when they are going to leave us. By getting married early really doesn’t fancy me in any way because I think that I don’t want to be with someone so soon after all the investments that my parent did for me to be someone useful for them and also for my own self. I really hope that in the future I’ll find someone who understands my life principes and also is willing to wait for me during all those years. If theres someone willing to wait for me that long then I’ll declare you as my soulmate.


Dear future soulmate/husband,
Please wait for me to have a stable income so I can help both my parents and you as well for our wedding. I wouldn’t want to spend only your money for the wedding since we are planning to build a
Baitul jannah together so it means that we work as a team before and after. So please do wait for me in 10 more years okay?


Sincerely,
Your high achiever future wife.

Her very first school trip. Being an extra aunt, I ended up making a video especially for her today. Hope that she’ll watch this when she grow up. Love you Tihani ♥️


Sincerely,
Your cutest Aunt ♥️

Life is like one whole book. Different people with different stories to tell the world. But one thing for sure, everyone will definitely have to go through one tough phase in their lives.

24 years of my life I have to say life had hit me hard starting when I was 16 years old. Things started to shattered my life when I was in my pre-teen years. But I know during that time I was just a rebellious teen who wants attention from her parents. When I was 22, I learned that I was not the same person like when I was 18-21 y/o. 22 is a very scary number for me because starting from that age I began to hate myself to the point that I think there's no point of me being around in the world again. I started to fat-shaming myself, calling myself ugly, not worthy and also stupid. I was never a smart person in my own eyes. I tend to feel that I am always not good enough and never ever I was satisfied with any of my achievements.

This negativeness started to spread alot back when I was doing my Degree. I wasn't happy to be in West Malaysia that time because I feel like I need to compete with the people who constantly hated me from far. That was I assumed towards the people around me last time. 22 and 23 are an odd age for me. I was bitter with everyone and also the surrounding around me. Things have changed alot. I was never the same. I wasn't the same Zulaiqha back I was in Diploma who is so confident of herself and couldn't care less about people. I tried to be that cold Zulaiqha but then when I pursued my Degree in West Malaysia, I learned that there are so much in life that I really can't be selfish towards the people around me despite the fact that I know some of them really hated me in silence. What's the point of this post? Why do I call it an incitation? Can I motivate people from this writing of mine? I am trying my best to describe how I view my life based on the age I was before. being 23 was tough because you are in the process of adulting and you are haunted by the responsibilities that you need to carry after you finish your studies. Istg that it was not a pleasant year for me.


2018 is a new start for me. 24 is a fresh and good age to throw away the negativity in me. I do sometimes feel that I am not good enough but the only thing that keeps me going is that only struggles can make me stronger and God will not give you the struggle that He knows that we can't handle. I believe everything that had happened in the past few years is to teach me there so much more in life. You really need to let go the toxicity in yourself bid by bid. I know it is hard because once you fell deep down in the dark well, you'll take a longer time to climb back up. Just remember, even if the sun is down there will always be the moon to guide you through the darkness. Saving your own self is much more effective rather than waiting for someone to save you. Take your time because I know depression, anxiety, and stress won't go away just like that. Just take care of yourself. Let's take care of our own self for our own sakes.


Sincerely,
Lulu

This is a continuation of the post from my Instagram.

Time really does not wait for anyone. We as human beings can only plan for our future but then we can't really do anything about it without the consent of God. This is going to be a post regarding on my journey throughout my life as a student.



Something to ponder...

The picture above was during my first convocation. Took Diploma in Public Administration and chose a very different path for my Bachelor Degree. Three years of Diploma and add-on another three years of studying for my Bachelor Degree. 

I was not a very good student back in high school. My result was meh. I scored ABCD and E for my SPM. There were 3E’s fyi 😂 and entering Diploma was the best decision for me ever. My SPM results consist of 2A's 2B's 1C 1D and 3E's. You tell me who would want a student that scores such shitty result? No famous university would accept that kind of results for their first choice. You know during that time the only thing on my mind was I want to further my studies in Swinburne(bloody expensive private university). Not to forget I was a rebellious teen who just wants to follow her peers around and go study in a private university without thinking about her parents. Yes I was dumb I know. But throughout the time of applying to every university that I can apply, I can see the struggle of my dad trying to get me into UiTM. He told me to take Public Administration and me being me ofcourse I wouldn't know what the hell was Public Administration. The only thing that I know about the Major was that I am going to get exposed to political talk and other stuff. 2012 was a really tough year for me but then I adapted myself to the Major sooner than I thought. 


So throughout Diploma, I learned to love the Major but during my fourth semester I questioned myself whether or not I love this Major. I wanted to quit halfway not because my result was bad but then I don't feel the challenge from it now that I've discovered the reason why. Thank God that I didn't quit *fuh* , A big shoutout to my partner in crime Hajar, who constantly reminded me to actually hold on to myself for one more semester. The reason why I wanted to quit was that I always compare myself to the people that are close to me. Throughout my university life, I tend to get close with the smartass people I don't even know why. It's not like I am using any of them it's just happened like that. As a normal being I do compare myself with Hajar but then I don't want to be like her. You get me right? I'm still that lazy arse human being who was reluctant to study for more than an hour. Yeap that was me during Diploma. I really took my Diploma for granted last time but Alhamdulillah I was given the most moderate CGPA ever which was 3.21 out of 4.00. I am grateful for that because I know how I was back then. *serves you right*


Well during Diploma I was still in my comfort zone but for Bachelor Degree was a different story. Went to a different State(Shah Alam, Selangor), new environment and the most horrific one was the Major itself. Bachelor Degree in English for Professional Communication. If you know me well, my usage of English is not as bombastic as my other friends but God decided to change my route to this. At first, I told my parents that I don't want to further my studies because I want to wait for the second intake to take the course that I really wanted. Funny story about this, I put the course as a filler for my Bachelor Degree application. I had to choose three different Majors for my intake last time. I wanted to actually be in Mass Communication Studies or even in Tourism but yeah as I mentioned just now God decided to give this Major. Yes, I was shocked to be given this Major three years ago. I was being the douchy self-stating this stupid and ridiculous statement to myself “Who wants to study English all the time? English is easy peasy.” Yeap I know I was douchy. Istg I really want to slap myself thinking about my behavior back then. ENGLISH WAS NEVER EASY. Really, I regretted everything. During my first semester, I really can't adapt with this Major. I wanted to quit really no kidding. I was overwhelmed by the amount of assignments given to us and how they actually assess us which was very different from my Diploma environment. Being in a different environment really makes me realize that I need to change my way of thinking and handle stuff. It's either you do or die. That's my motto during my Bachelor Degree. My first semester result wasn't that great. It was my first time to acquire such numbers. I know to some people I might sound and act so dramatically. I scored 2.75 out of 4.00. Getting a result like that was not really what I had in mind since my siblings are competitive. Due to that reason, I told my dad I really wanted to quit my Degree.

You know what happened after that? God still give me His signs which He sent my uncle to talk it out to me.(This happened because of the request from my dad). I continued my journey but then after that I've managed to be familiar and adapted myself through the rest of semesters. Conflicts among peers? You don't say.. It happened alot through these 3 years. But Alhamdulillah everything went well and I ended my Bachelor Degree well too. Now I am waiting for my second convocation which will be in this upcoming October. Yeay! Oh yeah my final CGPA was 3.24... Mediocre as per usual. Not much change from my Diploma but this CGPA I know I well deserved it because I really work my ass off. From 0 knowledge about English Linguistics to actually graduated from such Major indeed my major achievement in life. 

Graduated a bit latter than my other Diploma mates but it taught me the art of patience. Success doesn’t come in a fortnight I must say. Changing route especially to the one that you know you’re not really good at was really a gamble.  Long story short, it’s okay to be late. Your time to shine will definitely come sooner or later. Go outside of your comfort zone. You would never know what kind of adventure that you will face. And lastly, always ponder and remember God has His own ways of showing the right route for you.  Here some unicorn dandruff for you guys who read this long freaking post. “Sprinkle sprinkle unicorn dandruff!” 


Sincerely,
Zululu ✨🦄